Making Friends with Our Shadow: Why Loving Ourselves Requires the Deep Work of Integration
“Embracing our dark side gives us a new found freedom to be with the darkness in others. For when I can love all of me, I will love all of you.”
SHAD·OW
ˈSHadō/
noun
A dark area or shape produced by a body coming between rays of light and a surface.
In Jungian psychology, the "shadow", "Id", or "shadow aspect/archetype" may refer to:
(1) an unconscious aspect of the personality which the conscious ego does not identify in itself, or
(2) the entirety of the unconscious, i.e., everything of which a person is not fully conscious.
In short, the shadow is the unknown side/ the "dark side."
I've been aware of my unknowns, my “darkness” from a very young age. I'm a Scorpio moon— it's no surprise, really. I have always felt things deeply. I cried a lot as a child and I cry a lot now. I feel things fully with my whole heart and my whole body. And I'm constantly learning to be OK with that.
While I've always believed that my joy is my sorrow, unmasked, I never saw this as a bad thing or a thing I would want to change about myself—self-expression and feeling things fully is my most highly valued currency.
Not everyone agreed.
For some, I was/ am “too much." Too sensitive, too emotional, too expressive, too opinionated, etc.
While Jung is known for establishing the concept of the shadow in modern day psychology and spirituality, this part of ourselves has long been recognized as a ubiquitous aspect of being human. Although the shadow is an innate part of our human existence, the vast majority of us are willfully unaware of its existence. We hide our negative qualities, not only from others but from ourselves. To do this we might judge, criticize and condemn others which is a projection of ourselves. We might even do this to ensure that the focus (our focus, their focus or anyone’s focus) does not fall on us, our own faults and mis-givings. We might go through life with a false sense of moral superiority and a belief that while others are problematic, we ourselves are wholly, better-than, virtuous and always right.
Because it is easier to reject, deny or ignore the least desirable aspects of our personality, the shadow can feel largely negative. There are, however, positive aspects which may also remain hidden in one's shadow (especially in people who struggle with low self-esteem, anxieties, unworthiness, undeservingness and false beliefs). To know oneself, one must accept all parts of the self— even the negative, the shadow, and the wounded parts that need healing.
“In trying to express only those aspects of ourselves that we believe will guarantee us the acceptance of others, we suppress some of our most valuable and interesting features and sentence ourselves to a life of reenacting the same outworn scripts. Reclaiming the parts of ourselves that we have relegated to the shadow is the most reliable path to actualizing all of our human potential. Once befriended, our shadow becomes a divine map that—when properly read and followed—reconnects us to the life we were meant to live and the people we were meant to be.”
When most people are confronted with Shadow Work, they are also confronted with resistance. Shadow Work is an important way for us to confront our subconscious patterns. It's also a way for us to understand and tend to what parts of us might still need healing. And furthermore, Shadow Work allows us to integrate all of Who We Are.
Somewhere in our development, we have decided certain things about ourselves are bad or wrong. There's always another side. These very same things can protect us, guide us and keep us out of harm's way.
Repressed contents (emotions and experiences) do not merely disappear, but rather, they function independently of our conscious awareness. In other words, the shadow has the capacity to override our conscious ego and take possession of our being, showing up in our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.
The unconscious will that our shadow can exert also accounts for the self destructive behaviors so many individuals struggle with and are unable to control— despite consciously knowing they would be better off not engaging in them.
“The psychological rule says that when an inner situation is not made conscious, it happens outside as fate. That is to say, when the individual remains undivided and does not become conscious of his inner opposite, the world must perforce act out the conflict and be torn into opposing halves.”
It was maybe date three. I can't be quite sure. We were setting up our space to receive a sound bath. I turned to him and I said "I think I need to befriend my shadow."
He didn't ask me what I meant or why I was sharing that with him in that moment. He didn't look at me with a judgy face. He didn't give me a side eye or move further away from me. He looked at me with warm eyes and said kindly, "Let me know how I can support you in that."
This idea of “being friends with my shadow" required a level of self-acceptance that I hadn't yet been able to hold, nor articulate out loud before to another person. And certainly not a romantic partner. Why DID I tell him that?
In that moment I felt something come up with him that was my shadow— something from the past that was an old and untrue narrative. Something that in the past I would not have investigated in the moment, but rather try to bypass or cover up with a "cool girl" performance. But I felt safe with him and I wanted to make sure that those feelings were also safe.
I wanted to include this particular part of my personal work with someone who I was letting into my life; someone who was present and a witness to the things I was working towards integrating. It felt important to name. It was my declaration of honesty, authenticity, intimacy.
And the work has continued.
ABOUT LIGHT + DARKNESS
“The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it. It’s our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows.”
What might it mean to work with the dark, the unconscious and the unintegrated?
INQUIRY
We heal a little bit of our hearts each time we witness ourselves in our entirety.
We all must learn to love the hardest parts of ourselves back into softness.
What happens in the shadow?
What is underneath?
What needs integration?
What are we not talking about?
What are we afraid to feel?
“Sit with your friends; don’t go back to sleep.
Don’t sink like a fish to the bottom of the sea.
Surge like an ocean,
don’t scatter yourself like a storm.
Life’s waters flow from darkness.
Search the darkness, don’t run from it.
Night travelers are full of light,
and you are, too; don’t leave this companionship
Be a wakeful candle in a golden dish,
don’t slip into the dirk like quicksilver.
The moon appears for night travelers,
be watchful when the moon is full.”
